Friday, January 18, 2013

Finding yourself again

This is the year of change. The year of 'more' change 'again,' anyway. We dropped gluten when were were diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and then more foods when we had more food allergies. And then I had to alter where I went when sulfites were added to the mix.

Now there's more.
I've gained weight due to the 2 1/2 months of sedentary behavior due to the broken bones (okay, teeny, tiny broken bones, but still broken). I am 5' 7" and I hit 150 pounds two days ago, jeesh. This is what always used to happen; if my activity level dropped, my weight went up immediately.

I've been suffering from terrible cravings for, oh, 6 months or so now. I crave sweets and dairy like you wouldn't believe, so badly that if I know it won't make me TOO sick, I've been cheating every few days, at least, with a little something here, a little something there.  No gluten, ever, but other things? Yeah, that's happening, as disgusted as it makes me with myself.

Food the kids can have gets into my house and then I have a little of it. It's terrible and every time I feel awful and swear I won't do it again, and then the craving grows so bad that I feel like I'm some sort of recovering addict. The odd thing is that the craving stays EVEN IF I feel so nauseated I don't even want to eat, as I found out when I got the stomach flu for Christmas and still had cravings.

Very bizarre. And I'm sure that has added bloating and other issues to contribute to my weight gain.

And lastly, my husband and I decided to separate, which was extremely hard. Lots of reasons, as I assume is the case for most couples in this situation. But in the end, we realized that we have two choices: end the marriage and keep the friendship, or try to keep the marriage and ruin the marriage and friendship, both. We chose the one that we thought was the better emotional choice for our children - the one where we are considerate, compassionate, and loving toward each other rather than constantly snapping at each other and, sometimes, the kids.

But wow is it hard. You know it's going to be, but truly - hard. You think of all the things that maybe you could have changed, that you've done wrong, that were your fault, and there's nothing you can do about them now in any case. Sometimes, there are things that you know would HAVE to change for it to ever have worked, and you're pretty sure you wouldn't have done it differently, or your spouse wouldn't have done it differently. And sometimes you're just angry that it happened at all. Angry at yourself, at your spouse, at people in general.

And then you have a nice, good cry and suck it up, because your kids are on the other side of the door and you don't have time to be weepy for a few years yet.

So this year? Major change. New Year's Resolutions, big-time

I'm trying to keep it small, to start off with, because there is only so much you can think about before you go crazy.

1. Health - l will lose 25 pounds. I will stop the small cheats. I will start exercising more so the kids and I can go out and do more together, physically.

2. Homeschool - Fieldtrips twice a month. More consistency. Tap into those resources I have, all the people who know amazing things that we don't learn from yet. I will be working with the kids in a way that boosts their self-confidence and makes them feel caught up (as we're behind where I want to be, and as importantly, where THEY want to be).

3. Work - I'm carving out time for me daily to start on a new career, which has to be from home, considering my allergy limitation.

4. Home - Finding a more workable organization strategy, because the one we have works only until something comes up unexpectedly, and then it all falls apart. That one quote pops into my mind right now, on doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results. And then you want to change, and do the same dang thing. As Dr. Phil said: And how's that working for you?

Yeah, need to find a better way, because it's NOT working. I have so many more things that need improvement - don't we all? - but I'll focus on these for now, because it's all I've got!

So let's see how it WILL work, in the coming days. 

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