Surprised

Yesterday, a friend mentioned that she'd been sick lately. A nasty flu going around. And she mentioned that it was a surprise how long she'd taken to recover, because she's never sick. She's healthy so much that she never expects to get sick.

I hadn't until that moment realized that I'm the complete opposite.
I've been ill for over 20 years. Until recently, I literally couldn't remember what it was like to feel well.  I expect to wake up and there will be pain; that's so constant it's not worth thinking about any more than I think about the color of dirt. I expect to go through my day dealing with twitching hands and joint pain, or nausea and vertigo, or crushing exhaustion and headaches, or feeling drugged and dazed. I've expected this since before I left highschool.

When I go through a day without any pain or other debilities, that's my surprise. I'm not used to that. Every time I wake up and there's not pain as I try to roll over in bed, it's like this wonderful, unexpected gift.

It's still a gift I don't get every day. I'm still trying to figure out what to eat so that my body is healthy. But the fact that I can experience this at all, after so long, amazes me every single time.

I hope that years from now, I won't lose this feeling. I never want to take a moment without pain for granted.

I want to wake up every morning, surprised.